Misunderstandings

[shield_maiden]

Sometimes, Sif really loved the fact that Heimdall was her brother, and that he indulged her enough to humor her in reporting when Loki returned to the palace. She’d been even more upset when she’d been released from the healing rooms to find him gone, worried when she’d had no word from him, no visits, nothing.

She’d wracked her brain, trying to think of a reason why he might be avoiding her now, but was hard pressed to come up with one beyond the troubling thought that maybe he’d tired of her. Maybe he did believe her too large a chink in his armor, too great a weakness. She didn’t want to dwell on that, had tried her best to keep from fretting on it, although as the days stretched out, it became harder.

So when word arrived from her brother that Loki was currently in the throne room with Thor, she held off joining them, heading instead to Loki’s private chambers to lie in wait for him. She sank down behind one of his worktables, making herself comfortable as she waited. And if one of his overly large tomes hid her mostly from view… well, that was his fault for having such large books in the way, wasn’t it?

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[complicatedliar]

All he wanted was to sleep, though intellectually he knew he ought to eat something, and drink a healthy amount of water. Though really, he'd been three days without already, another few hours while he snatched a nap wouldn't make much of a difference.

He rested his hand on his door for a moment, noting that the wards were all intact, before he entered the room and engaged the lock behind him. Knowing he was alone, he finally let his shoulders slump, a small sigh escaping his lips.

Dizzy with the need to just sleep, joints aching with the desire to lay down, he pulled his coat off and dropped it carelessly over a chair. A few steps took him over to his bed, where he sat and started taking off his boots.

Getting the rest of the way undressed just seemed like too much effort at the moment.

[shield_maiden]

Sif watched him from her vantage point, remaining silent as he entered and started to strip. She almost announced her presence then and there, but something in her hesitated, taken aback by how exhausted he looked, how weary. What had he been doing to himself? And why?

"You look terrible."

She finally pushed herself to her feet as she said the words, stepping out from behind his desk as she narrowed her gaze on him, taking in every detail.

[complicatedliar]

Loki would have jumped, had he still been standing. As it was, his shoulders jerked and he sat up abruptly, left boot half unbuckled.

How had he not noticed her presence? Of course she wouldn't set off his wards - probably he should fix that, though even as the thought came to mind it felt wrong - but he should have been more aware than that. This was the sort of inattention that could some day get him killed.

He made himself laugh, give her an ironic half-bow, then bent to deal with his boot again. "And you look quite a bit better than when last I saw you, for which I am glad. It's for the best anyway, since you've always been the prettiest out of we two."

[shield_maiden]

He'd been surprised by her. Sif couldn't remember the last time she'd successfully snuck up on Loki, but she was fairly certain they'd still been children. Or there had been alcohol involved.

His laugh not fooling her a bit, she prowled towards him, her gaze sharp and intent, not waylaid by his attempt at humor. "You've been avoiding me," she countered instead, bluntly laying it out in the open, not wanting to beat around the bush. Not on this topic. "I want to know why."

[complicatedliar]

"I've been busy," Loki said evenly. It was much easier to deal with his boots than look at Sif. "On the business of the King, as a matter of fact. There was spying that needed to be done as soon as my wounds had healed. There's to be war with Jotunheim, dearest. That's certainly a better direction for your anger, I'd say."

He did not want to be having this conversation, at all. If he'd just actually thought about avoiding her, he could have been off again after a little sleep, since there was business he needed to deal with.

But what to do? Send her away? Perhaps argue with her and throw cruel words? It would certainly be safer for both of them, and better for her. She deserved better than a monster.

Yet somehow, he couldn't quite bring himself to do that. He was caught.

[shield_maiden]

Sif went carefully still, her eyes widening in surprise. "War with Jotunheim? Are you mad?" she asked, her voice shocked as she stared at him. "Is that where you've been? It's forbidden, Loki. Weren't Amora's manipulations bad enough without giving her the satisfaction of having succeeded?"

[complicatedliar]

Loki surged to his feet, the unreasoning anger that seemed now to live just below his skin twisting his face. It didn't matter that Sif had guessed correctly; her distrust was plain and painful, yet seemed right somehow knowing what he was. Of course he would be accused of conniving. He always had. That the words came from Sif only justified the feeling of betrayal more.

"What is it you accuse me if, Lady Sif?" he hissed, stalking toward her. "You wear your distrust so plainly. Such kind words for your lover and rescuer, who has sacrificed his time at your side for the good of Asgard."

A hectic light showed in his eyes as he stopped in front of her. "I have been three days cloaking myself in invisibility like an honorless spy to assess the damage that bitch caused, and you dare place me in league with her? Have care what you will say next. I am too tired for patience."

[shield_maiden]

She was taken aback by his sudden fury, especially when it was directed at her. There was a wildness in his gaze she had never seen before and that was as disconcerting as his anger.

"What distrust?" she argued, still sounding stunned. "I wasn't accusing you of anything, Loki, but I don't understand why we would war with the Frost Giants when they have instigated nothing. I don't know how much you overheard when you were chasing us, but Amora was not having much luck convincing the clan chieftains to go along with her deceits. They did not sound all that anxious for war. In truth, this is the first I have heard of it. Where were you cloaked and what have you heard?" she asked, looking worried.

She felt she had a right to be worried. War with Jotunheim was no small matter. Especially with Odin still asleep.

Sif reached out a hand to him, resting it against his chest since he had brought himself so near. "Loki, what has happened?" she asked him, her voice soft as she searched his face intently. "Tell me what I have missed."

[complicatedliar]

He glanced down at her hand, then took a measured step back, and another, returning to the bed so he could sit once more. He fumbled at his boot again, fingers made clumsy by fatigue and anger.

"I was alone when I cornered the traitor. I fought best I could, but would have been overwhelmed had Thor not sent the Destroyer to cover my retreat. My presence there and the Destroyer have been the catalyst for the younglings of the Jotun court to agitate for war. With no heir to... Laufey... they wish to make it a contest to see who will replace him upon their pathetic excuse for a throne." He made no attempt to hide the disdain and disgust in his tone. Truly, he now knew what had happened to Laufey's heir, and the thought made him sick. "That is where I have been. An invisible observer, listening to what passes as the politics of beasts for the last three days while they plotted their attack upon us. Forgive me, it's left me a bit out of sorts."

He finally levered his boot off and began working on the other one. "If you wish more detail than that, seek out my brother. He has heard my full report and has far more energy than I for reciting it."

[shield_maiden]

Sif watched him, pensive and thoughtful, before she crossed the room and knelt at his feet. Reaching out, her hands caught his, stilling them for a moment as she looked up and searched his face.

"Here. Let me," she murmured as her hands went to work on his second boot, not missing the way his hands had been fumbling.

"So the young ones seek to prove themselves with glorious battle, is that it?" she spoke softly after a moment, pondering his words. "I suppose that is not surprising. Even the blood of Jotuns can run hot. What of Laufey?" she asked, flicking a glance at his face. "Will he intercede? This is his throne they squabble over. I would think he would want a say in the matter. Might his head be cooler in this matter?"

She tugged off his boot and sank back on her heels, watching him. "No wonder you're exhausted, to have cloaked yourself all that time. Have you eaten anything? Or would that sit ill in your stomach just now?"

[complicatedliar]

That she should exhibit such caring and even kneel at the feel of something to wrong and monstrous as himself made him feel faintly ill. Of course, Sif had never seemed to sense the inherent wrongness in him that others apparently had. It was another thing that choked him with rage, thinking that Odin had turned him into an unwitting liar to the person he cared most about. Of course he had lied to Sif when it was necessary, but he'd always been honest with her on the things that mattered.

Only he hadn't, through no fault of his own. It wasn't fair. But of course, nothing ever was.

Loki rested his elbows on his knees, face in his hands. "Laufey has little choice with so many against him. He can either act as if this war is his idea, or allow the hotheads to steal a march on him."

He closed his eyes. What he wanted was for Sif to leave; her presence filled him with too many opposing emotions when he needed to try to think if his plan was to succeed.

But also what he wanted was for her to stay.

"I've no interest in food. Only sleep."

[shield_maiden]

She continued to watch him, her heart clenching when he buried his face in his hands, his shoulders slumped. "Laufey is still king, is he not? Is his hold over his own people so tenuous?" she asked softly, leaning up and brushing a stray lock of hair from his brow, her fingers tangling in dark hair. "The stories always portrayed him so differently. Or perhaps I always placed him as Odin's opposite and equal in my mind."

She brushed her fingers through his hair, her touch soothing as she shifted closer, giving him a small smile. "Come then, darling. Let's get you undressed and into bed. You've well earned a long night's rest."

[complicatedliar]

Loki's fingers tightened against his own skin at her touch. "When he's faced with the choice of war or murdering his own in droves..." Her next statement won an angry hiss from him. "Do not compare that monster to f-father!" The statement came out in a rush, though he stumbled over calling Odin father, knowing he needed to do so but it no longer felt right, knowing the shape of the lies now.

He shook his head, not looking up. "I do not wish to speak of that... thing any longer. Please. I want only to sleep."

For a moment he just needed to pause and calm himself, establish a reasonable expression before he could sit up. He started working at the fastenings at his throat. "You ought to go and get your own rest. Thor will be calling on you soon, I'm sure. Asgard needs all of her warriors."

[complicatedliar]

At first Loki slept heavily, too exhausted for anything so energetic as dreams. Even though he had wished Sif far away, her presence was soothing at first, warm and solid at his back, a reminder that there was still something solid in his world.

But that was not enough for a restless mind and a full night.

In the deep hours of the night, Loki began to dream. And Sif was there, of course, because she often was in his dreams, and that was what made them worth having.

He dreamed of one of the days they'd had in his mother's gardens, when they'd spoken of love and she'd taken him into her mouth. It was a familiar, pleasant memory. But this time, as she sat on his lap and held his hands, that creeping chill went through him, his skin turning blue at her touch as if she had sucked all the color from him.

Only then the cold from within him seeped into her, even as he tried to wrest his hands away. She refused to let go; he shouted at her to get away from him, let go, and still she denied. Her grip had always been stronger than his, because of those long hours training with heavier weapons than he cared to wield.

When the blue had crept all the way up her arms, a rime of frost followed in its wake. And then, Sif's eyes went so wide, betrayal and pain and denial, and her throat worked as if to scream except she let no sound escape. Of course she wouldn't; she was too strong for that. But still she wouldn't let go, or perhaps no longer could as she turned to ice at his touch, hands frozen to his.

And he sat there, eyes wide with denial, quiet sounds pain working from his throat, but he could do nothing else. Too weak for strength, too distracted by this chink in his armor to do magic.

There were no tears; beasts didn't cry.

For all that he was silent and helpless within his dream, all the pent-up frustration and horror showed outwardly as he began to thrash and moan in his sleep.

[shield_maiden]

Sif was normally a light sleeper - she was a trained warrior and being quick to wake sometimes meant the difference between life and death. Still, it took her a moment to realize what had disturbed her sleep was not an enemy or attack from the darkness, but the person asleep next to her. Her hand eased out from beneath the pillow, having been reaching for a dagger that wasn't currently there, and grasped Loki by one shoulder, attempting to still his thrashing.

She should have expected this, she realized as he struggled against her. With as stressed and troubled as he'd been before falling asleep, of course it would follow him into slumber. Still, her hands were careful as she tried to ease him awake, shaking him lightly.

"Loki, love, wake up, it's just a dream," she murmured, bending her head to press a kiss to his brow. His skin was slick with cold sweat and it made her heart clench, wondering what was terrifying him so. "Dearest, wake up. You're safe. Loki."

[complicatedliar]

It took Loki far longer than it should have to find the border between dream and reality and tear it open. He opened his eyes, but could quite make sense of what was happening for a few moments. He grabbed Sif's wrist with one hand, trying to pull it away from her shoulder, still irrationally afraid that she'd begin to freeze. "Let go. You have to... get away from me."

Of course he couldn't just tear her grip away; she was stronger than him. She always had been. His breath came far too fast. "Let go!"

[shield_maiden]

"Loki!"

Her voice was sharp, just for a moment, a controlled order to snap him to attention, to wake him from the lingering panic and adrenaline that remained after his dreams. Her hands left his shoulders but only moved far enough to cup warm hands against his face, her gaze holding his as she waited for him to see her.

"Breathe, love. It's alright. It's just me. You're alright. There is no threat here," she murmured, her tone softer now, soothing as her thumb brushed against his cheek. "You're safe."

[complicatedliar]

Her voice so sharp did snap him into something approaching wakefulness. He quieted immediately, eyes going wider, though his breath still came far too fast.

What did she mean there was no threat? He was the threat.

Loki covered her hands with his, fingers trembling. He gasped in a breath, then firmed his grip, tugging her hands away. "I'm sorry," he said. "You ought to go."

[shield_maiden]

"Don't be ridiculous," she chided him softly, wrapping her arms about him as she tugged him back against her. "And you should hardly be apologizing for having troubled dreams. It's nothing that you're at fault for. Come back and lay down again, darling," Sif invited him, her warm gaze a little worried as she gave him a gentle tug.

"Do you want to talk about it? Would that help?"

[complicatedliar]

Loki closed his eyes. He resisted her attempts to draw him closer passively at first, but it made for a knot of panic in his chest, to be that close. He squirmed away so he could sit again, for a moment covering his face with his hand.

"No. It's nothing I wish to speak of." He kept his voice flat, at odds with the trembling of his shoulders.

[shield_maiden]

Sif watched him a moment before she sat up, moving to face him and crossing her long legs beneath her, shifting until their knees brushed. She gave him a little space, but kept close enough to maintain contact, reluctant to relinquish that. She reached out, one hand resting lightly on his knee.

"What can I do, love?" she murmured to him softly. "What would ease your mind? You've been so troubled since you've come back. No, longer. I've barely seen you since..." She cut herself off, because she didn't want to bring up Amora and that whole catastrophe, not when she still worried he blamed her for that, or worse, himself. But she was still determined not to let him give up on them that easily.

"Would you like me to get you some wine?" she offered him gently instead. "It might warm you a bit and help you sleep."

[complicatedliar]

Loki shook his head. "There is nothing you can do, I'm afraid. The flaw is mine entirely."

Solitude. That was what he should ask for. The words stuck in his throat. He should wish her away, for her sake, and was far too selfish to even consider doing so.

But Sif helpfully offered him another way out, another ready-made excuse. "Yes, perhaps that will help." He smiled thinly. "Something to distract my thoughts."

[shield_maiden]

Instead of arguing, Sif slipped from the bed, fingers brushing against the lamp beside his bed to light her way. She poured them both a glass of wine before coming back to rejoin him on the bed once more.

"Here, love," she murmured as she held one out to him. "Perhaps this will help. It has sometimes aided when my sleep was troubled. Or at least allowed me to relax a bit further."

[complicatedliar]

Loki took the wine glass with a hand that wasn't entirely steady. He drained half of it in a single, long gulp, then let his head hang forward. "I'm sorry I'm such unfit company, dearest."

[shield_maiden]

She took a deep swallow of her own wine before setting the glass aside, sliding closer to him and brushing his hair back off his forehead as she gave him a small smile. "You do not need to apologize to me for that, love. You are exhausted and having troubling dreams does not help with that. And you are always the best of company, even when you are in a foul mood. There is no one else I would rather be with right now," she added, her words entirely honest as she let her fingers slide down along his jaw and cup against his cheek, her eyes warm with affection.

"Besides, you have endured how many of my bad moods over the years?" she added, teasing him faintly, hoping to lighten his mood. "You are more than entitled, my dearest prince."